I'm definetly all for kids learning martial arts.  I'm definetly NOT a fighter, and not physically agressive.  With the right instructor, kids will know how to use it.  Any instructors I know make the point, first and foremost, that you NEVER attack.  I think Kevin above said something about if a kid slugs your kid, and thats it, better that your kid walks away.  A good martial arts teacher will teach this.  It is an absolute last resort, so if a kid is relentless in attacking, I want my child to know how to deal with it.  To me, its just a part of teaching your child how to handle confrontation, as long as its all in proper perspective.

In addition to self defense, it is true that martial arts is a HUGE confidence builder.  It also does wonders for those kids who might BE the bullies.  Giving them the structure and discipline of a good MA teacher, with a place they can safely take out their frustrations, can be very healthy.

Can't wait to check it out! Really need all the help I can get. I'm terrified of trying to raise teenagers - hoping that's my husband's specialty!

Not sure why this didn't pop into my head earlier, but I have a children's book coming out about dealing with bullies, probably early next year (hopefully).  It still needs to be illustrated.  I guess I was thinking strictly in terms of fighting and not necessarily just about bullies with my previous comment.

I was a target for bullying/beating up b/c I was white.  Most of the student body knew what was goin' down after school.  I just knew I was watching my back, I had a group of friends watching my back, and one of my teacher's knew.  So we were all waiting to see what would happen.  I wasn't going to fight (other than protect myself).  So, what happened?  A male friend of mine (of the same race/ethnicity as the girls who wanted to use me as a punching bag) stepped up to the plate and defended me.  They respected/feared him and backed off.  I never had a problem again.

A bully girl 8th grader took my pencil, broke it and dropped it on the floor (I was in a 7/8 combo class).  I told her to pick it up.  Her come back was "No, make me."  I resonded, "You need to grow up, and I'm going to sit somewhere else."  That was the end. 

I think I was blessed with people around me who made me feel safe.  My teacher didn't want to embarass me, but I knew he was watching out for me.  I had a good group of friends.  I knew my parents would back me up with my choice in handling situations as long as I didn't instigate anything and I didn't beat anyone to a pulp.

As a teacher, when I saw a target kid in my class, I would privately rally a handful of trustworthy kids to defend and befriend that kid.  Most of the other kids would follow suit, and those who didn't were not respected and often found themselves in the dean's office.  These were high schoolers. 

Lots of good replies!  Great question, Christina.

I firmly believe that teaching our kids to have respect for themselves and others will greatly help them in tough times with bullies. 

I had this experience in high school (freshman year) when a girl wanted to beat me up.  I didn't even know her, but the story (as I remember it now...) was that her boyfriend (an older boy in my French class) dumped her for me (not true). 

For two days people I didn't even know approached me to warn me that she was "after me."  I was freaked out!  I didn't know what to do and I didn't know who to turn to.  The guy this was all about never really spoke to me so I couldn't approach him for help and my friends were mixed on how to handle it.  Funny how I never involved my parents nor was it suggested.  I guess it would have been embarrassing if they got involved. 

But then on the day I was told she was for sure coming after me I finally made up my mind!  I remember it was in my Algebra class, last class of the day.  I decided that when she found me I would be confidently making my way through the campus to head home.  I was going to ignore her taunts and all  I was going to say to her -if I had an audience and if I felt I had to address her- was, "I don't know anything about you or why you want to fight me.  Go ahead and hit me if you think it will make things better, but it won't.  Everyone here will be eye-witnesses.  I won't fight you because I don't believe in violence."  (Yes, it was really that long-winded and cheesy!  I think I had more planned than that too!)  I was so proud of myself for coming up with this, I almost wanted her to find me.  I wanted a stage to be so brave!  lol 

She did start a fight that day, but not with me.  She was expelled for a violent fight.  THANKFULLY not with my face!!!  She never bugged me or threatened me when she came  back to school.  The poor girl had a lot of issues. 

I share this story just to say that I came to my "noble" conclusion because I wanted to honor my beliefs about non-violent living.  I respected myself and didn't want to further her disrespect for others and herself by engaging her rage.  I almost wish I did have that chance to tell her this, but I'm really glad I didn't have to.  I would have probably peed my pants!!!  lol

But I still think it would have totally shocked her to hear me say I would not fight her and why.  But she was a wild girl with anger & violence issues and probably would have just jumped me from behind and beat me to a pulp!  There were some pretty tough kids at that high school (we had police on our campus during lunch and after school due to some extreme violence issues -including some riots and gang fights).

Oh, now I am freaked out for my kids!  That's it!  I'm homeschooling them through college and they can't date until they're 50!  lol

 

Hadn't even thought about that yet.  I guess there are a million things that don't immediately pop into our minds when the pregnancy test comes back positive.  Just from reading the comments so far (all good, by the way), I am leaning toward the military style "Neutralize, then Stabilize."  I guess, the gist of what I would try and teach my kids is to never be the agressor.  Avoid conflict where you can, but if conflict is slammed on you, you have to consider the options that the situation presents.  If a kid slugs my son, laughs and high fives his friends, then it is a situation to simply walk away from, BUT if a kid is beating my son, with no indication of stopping, then something has to be done in self-defense.

As far as my daughter goes, it would be the same advice, but I am also a little old-school in that I already tell my son that it is his job and mine to protect his sister, in which case the same rules also apply.  I want to instill early that women are worth respecting and protecting.  A lot of boys are not growing up with that concept these days.

This is a hard one . . . There is a book called "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson that addresses this briefly. I struggle with it and go back and forth, but he stated at one point in the book that he was bullied, and when he finally stood up for himself, it ended. He lived in a different time, however. I would imagine that he is pushing 70. Times were different then. I am afraid of what would happen if my child did defend himself. I have a 13 year old who is in 7th grade, and we have had this conversation. There are bullies at school, and I hate the idea of him being bullied. I have told him that he can defend himself if he thinks it would help, but it's kind of scary in this day and age. Would he be chased after school with a knife or gun? I don't know. I do know that he would be suspended, and I have told him that he would have to suffer the consequences if that was the decision he made. There is also the balance of "Turn the other cheek" which I think is important, and more importantly Biblical. So we teach the kids that important principle also. It's a tough question that you pose. I just know that I HATE the thought of my kids being bullied, and it is impossible for school personnel to keep this under control. I wish there was more that I could do as a parent to protect my child, but I can't. This is one of the many hard things about your kids growing up. We are not there every second to make sure our babies are fine!! And even at 13, he is still my baby!

For me, growing up, my dad was always big on us fighting back. He taught us to kick boys "where it counts" in case they harassed us and other "self defense" techniques. But I think that only taught us that violence was the answer to our problems when things didn't go our way. My dad's self defense techniques backfired on him when us girls started using them on eachother.

My sisters and I had SERIOUS fights over really stupid stuff. I personally was responsible for a broken leg, a few black eyes, a split chin that required stitches, and a broken leg. These are just the things I remember doing and I know my sisters did other things to eachother and to me too (my ribs got really badly bruised and knocked out of alignment thanks to a karate style kick to the chest during one fight my senior year in high school). It was almost like growing up with three brothers instead of three sisters at times.

Even now I notice that my first reaction is to be physical when I get upset about something. While I certainly am not in the habit of blackening eyes these days, it takes serious restraint not to be overly physical even when our dogs do something I don't like.

And mind you, my parents never disciplined us in a physical way. I have the reactions of someone who was though all because of those "self defense" lessons from my dad.

So I hope to teach our kids that reacting in a physical way is not the way to solve problems, but that's just based on my childhood experience.

Ideally, I want to teach my boys to defend themselves and others around them when someone is unnecessarily attacking them (i.e., my kid didn't start it).   I want them to intervene if someone is being bullied.  If that meant they had to take self-defense classes, then I'd let them.  I think karate classes are also beneficial to teach rowdy boys discipline and self-control, and therefore, will probably be a necessity in my household with my guys!  I think the way to approach the defending themselves idea is to understand what many specially trained men and women in the armed forces and police academies are taught.  You are to intervene and defend ONLY to neutralize, then stabilize the situation.   (for a kid, that means neutralzie THEN walk away.) 

This is something I'm not looking forward to having to deal with.  While I wasn't physically bullied as a kid, I was a target of some mild harassment and fun-making, as is the experience of most kids, for whatever reasons that make them different or targetable.  And when I was a teacher, it was not lost on me that the ease with which kids picked on each other physically and emotionally, and the degree to which they did it, had only gotten worse in the interim.  I don't know what I think, right now.  So many reactions, actually, too many.  Thanks for bringing this up.