A conversation with my children after eating pizza for dinner last night -

Kaitlynn - MOM! Mitchell's eating something off the floor!

Me - Well what is it?? (by my nonchalant answer you can tell he does this a hundred times a day)

Kaitlynn - It's something soft.

Me - Oh. It's probably one of his little snackies.

Andrew - No it's not Mom.

Me - Well then can you take it out of his mouth Honey?

Andrew - No mom, Mitchy likes to eat dirty sausage on the floor.

MMMM Yummy. And you know what? I'm slightly (only slightly) embaressed to admit that I let him eat it.

But that, my friends, is life after the third child.

On a birthday card from my sweet husband:

(I highlighted my favorite parts)

Real Love is more than beautiful flowers and sweet words, more than candlelight dinners or romantic walks in the park. Real love is understanding through the difficult times, caring past the disagreements. It's laughing together when things are good or laughing together to keep from crying when things couldn't seem to go more wrong. Real love shows compassion and compromise... and forgives and forgives.  Real love is everything we share together. Because to me, real love is, and always will be, you.

Just makes you wanna hug and kiss 'em doesn't it??

larger view

For as long as I've been an adult, I've always wanted four children.  My husband had his mind set on two little ones.  After Kaitlynn was born, he had his mind made up - one boy, one girl, a perfect match - he was done.  BUT, it just wasn't enough for me. I still had that longing for another baby.  Around September of 2006 we went to a consultation for a vasectomy.  I thought I was ready to end that chapter of our lives, but all the appointment did was get my mind reeling again about that third baby.  So we put the vasectomy on hold and after a couple of months, my husband decided he wouldn't mind a third child so much.  BUT he informed me repeatedly that this was DEFINITELY it - we would not be having four children.  I kept that information tucked away in the back of my conscience, but still wondered if we'd one day fulfill my dream of a six person family. 

The time came when Mitchell was about six months old and eating solids every night.  Usually, a couple of people in my family are done eating their dinner by the time I sit down to scarf down my now cold plate of food.  Getting everyone's drinks, keeping food hot, ensuring they've all got the condiments they want, cutting up meat and blowing on hot food is a serious balancing act each evening at dinnertime. Now, I had an extra mouth to feed, another face to wipe, an extra set of hands to dig sticky food out of the creases of their fingers.... I distinctly remember thinking to myself at that time that our family was absolutely complete. There was just no way I could add another child to the mix.

Here we are four months and one vasectomy later and I'm just as certain today (if not more) than I was during that dinner.  As per usual, I was overly exhausted when I awoke this morning.  My husband was in our room getting dressed for work and our ten month old was crawling around on our bedroom floor while I tried to talk myself out of bed for the day.  I finally had my feet on the floor not more than a few seconds and I was already pulling a piece of paper out of the baby's mouth. I used the restroom quickly and came out to find Mitch with a nickel stuffed in there now.  Visions of my day started flooding my mind.  The swiping of his mouth multiple times an hour, the non-stop sweeping of the kitchen floor to ensure he's not eating day old crumbs of whatever the previous days meals were, practically laying on top of the kid so he won't roll himself off the changing table while I get a clean diaper on him, the crying I'd hear every time he got bored of an activity after five minutes or less, him chewing on my hair, me wiping his snotty nose while he screams in agony..... Oh how I'll miss his gummy smiles, the voluntary cuddles against my shoulder, his happy greeting I get every morning when he awakes or the entertaining noises he makes when he's overly excited .. but with all that, I am confident that this is the last time I want (or have the energy) to do this.

I just have to say it makes me so incredibly happy to know what wonderful friends we've made in Bakersfield! Yesterday, my friends Jen, Christy and Heather all called to invite our family to join theirs in Independence Day activities.  It warms my heart to feel so welcomed and I just had to brag about what amazing people we have in our lives :)

Makes me almost want to never leave Bakersfield ... no but seriously, it'd be really, really hard to do - never thought I'd say THAT!

Our holiday weekend was almost a bust. My aunt, cousin and her two children who have I haven't seen in just about 5 years are visiting down South (from Arizona) at my father's house for the weekend. I really wanted to make it down there, because who knows how long it will be before the opportunity presents itself again.  BUT THEN -

My husband is in Florida, all of my families' guest rooms were full, it's going to cost me at least $80 in gas (when we just got back from there on Tuesday night) and the person who normally dog sits for us is also going to be out of town. blech.

By 9 a.m. this morning though, I had a hotel room for the four of us for two nights, my super fantastic amazing wonderful favorite lady at our vet's office fit our little Toby into a boarding spot at the last minute on a holiday weekend and we even have plans for the L.A. Zoo on Friday morning/afternoon, a fireworks show with family at the Quakes Baseball Stadium, possibly the beach during the day on Saturday, a BBQ at my dad's house during the evening and a nice relaxing morning (plus another 2 1/2 hr. drive home) on Sunday.  My husband will be home on Monday night from Florida.... then life will be normal again.

Unfortunately, I still have to put out that $80 in gas.

I'm not dying, it's all in my head.

On Saturday I noticed a bruised feeling on my inner thigh. (sorry if TMI) I wondered where it came from but since it wasn't bothering me much, I brushed it off as no big deal.  By Sunday, after driving out of town for 2 1/2 hours and being on my feet all afternoon, it was bothering me more than I thought it should be.  On Tuesday morning, the pain had spread to the side of my right hip.  I went on an internet guided investigation to find out what this was, by feeling around, googling symptoms, checking out WebMD - that was a big mistake.  By late Tuesday, I was pretty sure I had DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis, or basically......a blood clot.  Suggested action to be taken - Go to the ER immediately! 

BUT, my sister had just had surgery the day before, my mom had driven 16 hours to visit all of us down South and I just really didn't want to make a big deal out of what could be nothing.  This "blood clot" was giving me serious anxiety though.  My chest was tightening, my breathing was labored and I wondered if every push and pull could be related to said DVT.  I did the unthinkable, and drove my three children home with my suspected blood clot in tow. I prayed before I drove. I trusted that we would make it home safe. But I wondered if I'd be a headline in the news the next morning - "Mother of three crashes car on 5 freeway, perishes - kids seriously injured"  Yes, this is how crazy I am folks.

We made it home safely late last night where I continued to be concerned. I ransacked the medicine cabinet for some aspirin, hoping to thin the blood so I could make it overnight before I needed to be seen by a doctor, but to no avail - we had none.  All the long distance driving, sleepless nights during the previous 3 days and constant worrying about my blood clot (or tumor - I had reasoned that a few times before) had me exhausted. I can't even remember laying my head on the pillow last night. I do remember waking up and being thankful I hadn't died from a pulminary embolism.

I dragged my butt to the doctor's office this afternoon.  She didn't laugh at me for thinking I had a blood clot or seriously cancerous tumor like I thought she would. She did however make me feel "normal" again, whatever that means. Turns out, she's pretty sure it's an infected lymph node.  It is enlarged like I thought it was, so at least I know I haven't lost ALL of my marbles.  And surprise surprise, I had no clue, but I have a UTI... which is apparently causing the problem with the lymph node.

Ahhh - I feel free. Free from fear, free from anxiety, free from those hypochondriactic feelings.

I'm not dying. It was all in my head.