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Competition Parenting
My husband has a friend that is more like a brother and they have been very close for some time. He was the “third wheel” on most of our dates before we were married and we both stood beside him and his wife as they took their vows. At this time they had watched us parent for some time and were great with our daughter. His wife and I became pregnant at the same time (her first, my second) and delivered a few months apart. And then it began what I like to call “Competition Parenting”!
Suddenly our conversations were met with snide remarks, such as “yea, well, he has bonded with both of us, not just one of us”, in a condescending tone that would make anyone say “huh”? Or “we would never give our son a teething cookie” as my daughter sits in her highchair gnawing away on the little rock of a cookie. My response “OH, right, because I’m the type of mom to give my daughter something that could ever possibly hurt her or walk away from her as she’s eating! Oh and my favorite, “well, he’s walking months before he should be, he’s so ahead of everyone else’s babies”! And then it spreads like wildfire, where my husband and his “apparent friend” are reduced to conversations about why his wife is better than me….. Have I missed something? Which brings me to my next thought…?
Since when did parenting become a competition? Since when did parenting become something of a sport? As if to say “I am the better fisherman, look at my fish”! Our children have suddenly become the bullets in our weapons, our personal jousting poles, our apparent swords in the middle of a knightly battle. They are the bait, dangling from the fishing pole, in attempt that we’ll bite and suddenly say “oh, bow to thee; you are the god of all parents”! These are our “CHILDREN, FOR GODS SAKE”! Not a red carpet to walk on as we boast about ourselves.
So, the boxing gloves are on and the dukes are up, but what about us, you know the parents on the rival team, the ones who put their boxing gloves away in high school, when gym class was OVER!
In a failed attempt to win the “parent of the year” award, our kids are watching our actions and taking it all in. They are little bundles of hyperawareness and many parents seem to take for granted their miraculous abilities to hone into the situation at hand! It is my opinion that we must rise above the ignorance and teach our own children how to behave in a manner that anyone would be proud of. For some the appropriate thing would be to turn the other cheek and ignore the sheer inappropriateness of the situation. For others, it would be to take a stand (away from the children of course). However, my first reaction is why invest in friendships in the first place? Should we invest, in attempt that we will find life long friends sooner or later? Or just keep our conversations to shallow commentaries on the unfortunate air quality in Bakersfield? But again, something comes up that discourages me from staying on my “NO FRIENDS, NO FOWL” rule… my children. I would be teaching them lifelong skills of how to effectively keep people at an arm’s distance and this seems just as bad as “Competition Parenting”!
Truth is I don’t have the answers. I, for the first time in my parenting career, don’t have the answers. OH MY GOSH! The day has come! As I sit back and laugh at this, I realize that an epiphany has evolved through this blog… I sit laughing, with a smile on my face while I read this….Laugh…that is the only logical answer that I can come up with… What else are we to do? My children are learning a good lesson of happiness within ones own self, not to be affected by others pettiness, but to love themselves and take the rest in stride. This seems to be a good answer and because i really don't know the answer, i'am going to run with this one for now....
3 comments from 3 users
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posted by
noahj
on Jul 8, 2008 at 08:47 AM
Umm... pretty much everything in life is a competition. Some people just participate while others ignore it. American society places a heavy emphasis on all things competitive. I mean heck, even roll call in elementary school is a bit of a competition where kids with high alphabet last names (A-E) always get called first. Lines at water fountains, bathrooms, restaurants, gas stations, these don't merely create order but also establish a hierarchy. Most folks can only define themselves by their position relative to those around them. The greater extent to which one does this the more insecure they are in my estimation. I think I would be highly annoyed by your friends. You might try letting them know that if you wanted a running commentary on your parenting skills that you'd hire a sports announcer. Or, just grin and bear it. posted by
miamiacouture
on Jul 8, 2008 at 09:15 PM
noah, thankyou for your comment.... very witty.... enjoyed reading it :) I think i will use that one the next time i see them..... i also read a peice in the californian about people with one child vs. people with more than one child.... it shed some light on some things.... it was quite interesting if you did'nt get a chance to read it.... terribly amusing..... thanks again ! posted by
Jencess
on Aug 10, 2008 at 05:41 PM
Wow, thankfully I have not run into this one myself, but I surely see it happening. Personally I don't agree that kids are smarter/better/well adjusted if they do things first. In fact most times I think it's the parents that are too gung-ho in their efforts to raise the "best" child. Ugh! Let kids be kids. Friendship and child rearing shouldn't be a competition. I'd just happy to have someone close to me, going thru the same things as me who can lend a friendly ear or piece of advice when asked. As my mom always said "With friends like those, who needs enemies"?
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