Blog Mama - twogirlsmama's Blog - Raising Bakersfield

Easing A Heartache

Tonite my little girl's heart was hurting. A school friend is moving away and she has been sad about it all week. So she cried and I cried with her. I didn't know what else to do. I feel helpless, and it stinks. Gone are the days of protecting her from everything. I cannot kiss this hurt and make it better. All I can do is hold her and encourage her and sing her to sleep, which I did.

As she finally fell off to sleep I looked at her sweet little face, although it's a little older now, I can still see the faint outline of my baby underneath. Sometimes I forget just how new she is to this old world. And I know this is just the first of many heartaches to come. It has not been so long that I have forgotten what it's like to ache at the thought of missing someone; or the sinking feeling of disappointment that accompanies the knowledge that you may never see them again. But I told her that it was better to have known him for a little while than to have never met him. I thought about how happiness and pain go hand in hand, though I did not say it to her in those words. She will learn that hard lesson time and time again, but it is part of living--and life is a beautiful, wonderful, difficult, painful thing all rolled into one. Even knowing this, who of us would choose to sit it out?

Falling into October

After a month of transitions...moving, starting back to school (for me and my oldest) and just a general upheaval of our lives, I am looking forward to settling into October, which is my favorite month, like a comfortable old chair. The month usually brings with it cooler weather (cue Autumn breeze) and sometimes even rain, which I always receive as a special gift from the heavens to me for my birthday, which is also this month. The changing of the leaves, Fall carnivals, pumpkin patches, they're all a part of my favortie month of the year. By now I am always so exhausted with the lingering heat of summer, that Fall is, literally, a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to pull out my sweaters and long pants. To finally slip on shoes that are more closed than they are open, and cozy up with my family in our new home and count our many blessings.

Moving And Shaking...

We are moving,...AGAIN! It's actually a good thing, but in the midst of trying to organize and pack the mounds of our excess it is a bit overwhelming. 18 months ago I moved myself and my girls into our own place. It was necessary, as my marriage had gotten volatile. But now, 18 months later, we are going to give co-existing another try. After time and counseling and re-assessing what's important and of course, compromise.

The new place is bigger, roomier, with a/c and a garage and a yard my girls can actually play in without fear of abduction. I am excited and nervous and overwhelmed! If I had three wishes I'd use one to magically transport my 'stuff' to the new place and have it all put away and organized.Growing up, we lived in the same house for 14 years. Since moving out 20 years ago, I have logged many moves...and since having kids, which, let's face it, quadruples your stuff, I've moved 4 times, and this move will make it the 5th time in 8 years. That is too frequent if you ask me. I am one of those types who would like to buy a house and live in it forever. But alas that's not how my life has played out. Anyway, I feel fortunate to have my family whole again and fortunate to have found a great place to rent right around the corner from my daughter's school. God is good. He provided the place for us and He will give me the strength I need to relocate our aforementioned excess. I have to say though, it's times like these I think those minimalists have the right idea!!

Just Out of the Starting Block

The build up, the anticipation, the first day of school has come and gone and I find myself thinking, okay, that's good, can we go back to summer now? Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm ready to roll over and go back to sleep. The good news is my daughter is still feeling the adrenalin rush of a new school year. It looks like we have been blessed with another wonderful teacher and since this is my big 3rd grader's second year at the same school she had friends to look for this morning (unlike last year when she was the "new kid"). All in all we're off to a good start, but I still feel the tug of melancholy at sending my baby out into the world. Said baby asked me to drop her off in front of the school this morning."No way!" I said. "I'm walking you in and meeting your teacher." (And snapping photos to commemorate this day). "Humor your mother." I said, as she stood in front of her new desk for a photo op. We helped a couple of kids who were wandering the halls looking lost and confused. I guess some parents don't have the luxury of holding their kid's hands every step of the way, but that's something I insist upon. I mean jeez, she's only 8!! Don't I at least have a few more years before she kicks me to the parental curb? Doesn't she see, I'm clinging with every ounce of strength not to my own fleeting youth, but hers...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I can't believe it's T minus 10 days til the first day of school!! Where did my summer go? Thankfully, I managed to scrape by without a 'real' job so that I could be home with the girls. And we even got to make a few little trips in spite of the fact that gas is astronomical!! But it seems like just yesterday it was June and I was heading to Valley Center to visit my cousin and now it's already back to school. Spending the past 5 weeks schlepping my 8 year old to drama class didn't help, because it cut into our morning leisure time, but it's been a good experience for her and we were blessed to get a scholarship so I can't complain. Anyway! With only one free week to go I keep wanting to cram in as many fun activities as I can. But more than likely we will probably just try to chill and prepare ourselves physically and mentally for the inevitable return to school...on some level I am looking forward to getting back into a routine, it's just the getting up at 6 a.m. I could do without!!

Some of the things we did this summer....

Camped at Leavis Flat

Visited family in Valley Center

Went to La Brea Tarpits

Visit Grandparents in Santa Barbara

Camped in Sequoia National Park

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears...

Last night my 3 and a half year old was playing 'store," one of her favorite pretending games, and so she was giving me things to ring up, since I was the "payer lady." As I was totaling her items, she pulled out one of those return postcards that come inside magazines and handed it to me, then asked, "Do you take competitors coupons?" Her Dad and I then proceeded to laugh our heads off for the next ten minutes.

I guess it's no secret I like to shop and as a result she is often along for the ride. Well apparently she over-heard me ask the saleswoman that very same question earlier that day and repeated it in her role-playing. Aside from giving us a good laugh, it is a reminder of how much our kids imitate our actions, both good and bad. Believe me, I've been the victim of both! But it's also great to know that so much of what they learn comes from us and we have the tremendous opportunity, and responsibility, that goes along with that privilege.

A Mother's Instinct

The girls and I went out around 7 tonight to enjoy the late evening breeze. My youngest was running through the sprinklers, but when her sister went to turn the water down, a mama bird came flying out of our Camilla bushes. Every time my oldest went near the faucet after that you could hear the mama bird protest. I figured she must have a nest nearby. A little while later, the mama got really upset and I saw a baby bird fluttering around on our porch, followed by my cat who had up to that point been lazing on our doormat. I quickly put the cat inside the house, then went to look for the baby. The mother was flying from her bush to the tree next to our porch, calling for her baby. I found him behind one of my big flower pots, and moved it out of the way so the mama could see him. We stood back on the grass and watched to see if she would come to his rescue, but I soon realized she was trying to scare us off. So we went into the house and watched for awhile through the panes of our French door.

I kept hearing the mama call to the baby, and finally the baby answered her and started to make his way back toward the safety of another nearby bush. All the while the mother circled the area and kept a close watch. My guess is the baby is learning to fly, but hasn't quite mastered it yet. And even though that mama is trying to teach her baby a little independence, she still has her eye on him. Just like any good mother. I remember wondering when my girls were babies, how I would ever let them out of the nest, out of my sight. But gradually, I was able to let them fly, a little at a time, but always beneath my watchful gaze. It is our God- given instinct to protect our babies with our very lives, and it was no different for this mama bird than it is for us. This evening we got a lesson in nature none of us will soon forget.

NEVER Leave A 3-year-old Un-Attended...with Ice Cream!!

My 8 year old tried to tell me, but I was busy writing an e-mail. Those few extra minutes ended up costing me a lot more time in clean up. Needless to say, my 3 year old went straight into the bath tub while I hosed down the kitchen. I suppose it could have been worse...at least it was ice cream and not another brown substance she chose to fingerpaint with...although she did have a fascination with painting with THAT a few times, a couple years back. Ah the joys of toddler-hood!

Baby Jones

Maybe it's because several of my (younger) friends are turning up pregnant. Or maybe it's because I know I am finished, done, kaput, in the birthing department. Whatever the case, I have been having major baby longings lately. I suppose it's inevitable. My almost 4 year old is growing out of babyhood. In fact, she reminds me daily that she's a 'big girl' and seems to have given up naps completely.

So when I see the rolly polly legs of babies and the tiny clothes in stores that no longer fit anyone at my house, I start itching for another one. Then I remind myself, that both of my girls are fully trained; they feed themselves, use the toilet, even brush their own teeth. Why oh why would I go back to the days of sleep deprivation and having someone whose every need depends on me. Well, it's the toothless grin and the soft skin and the sweet smell, and well, even that dependence. My girls are self-sufficient, and it's GREAT, but part of me misses that little person who needed me so much. I know it will pass and that ultimately I am in a good place, to continue my education, start looking toward a career, but I guess even at nearly 40, that baby yearning can still rear it's head. Luckily my friends will soon have lots of babies for me to cuddle,...and I can return them when they start to fuss!

Too DARN Hot!!

It's been awhile since I've sat down to write. I was out of town for most of one week and my Dad had surgery which threw off last week, plus the holiday. But lately it's been hard to blog because my house is soooo hot during the day. Needless to say a swamp cooler doesn't work once it's over 90...and 108? FORGET IT! So, we divide our time between Barnes and Noble or other well cooled places. And, as I have every year since birth (minus the 2 summers I spent living elsewhere) I curse my hometown and wish I could relocate. I was thinking today, come Fall, I will forget my disgust for the month of July, just like I do every October. This is my home, where I grew up, where the bulk of 'my people' live, so it would be hard to leave. But relocating for the summer, if I had the means to do so, would definitely make the other 9 months more enjoyable!!